I notice too many things and sometimes I wonder if I make things significant when they're not.
For instance, when we went over there this summer, Zachary was 7 and Karsten was 5. When my sister, brother and I were given up for adoption, I was 7, my sister was 5 and my brother was 3. That meant, that the last time my mother saw us and the first time she saw my kids, we were at the same ages. I asked her if this was hard for her. Zachary looks a lot like I did at that age. I wondered if this was painful for my mom. She seemed to handle it with such grace. She gave that familiar smile that was mingled with both pain and joy. My oldest uncle often commented on how strong my mom was and how much she suffered all of these years. The meaning wasn't lost on her either.
The other thing that I notice is that when I went the first time to Korea by myself, my mom saw me as a 7 year-old child. She slept with me the first night to keep me warm. She made me sleep with my grandma to make sure that my grandma and I had a chance to be near each other, in case she didn't live long. I was fed like a little child. I think this brought so much healing to know that she could see me eating. The last image she had of us was when we were always hungry and she didn't have a means to feed us.
This time, I arrive and it was as if in the six months, I had "grown up." Now my mom saw me as a mother and wife. She often commented on this. "You're such a good mother..." She really enjoyed seeing me mother my children. And just as I had "grown up", she had become a grandmother. She watched Jason carefully to see how he behaved. I know she was asking herself, "Is he a good man?" She gave me a stamp of approval. She adored Jason and she affirmed several times that it was a dream come true for her to see me married to a wonderful man and to have beautiful children.
My family was experiencing a brand new culture. I was growing as a person. There were many things that I was not even aware of for myself. I did a lot of healing. I think I'm still healing.
One of the most overwhelming moments was when I visited the old house where my grandparents used to live. Being there physically was like becoming a little girl again. I remembered so much. As tears flowed down my face, I felt longing, regret, pain, joy, and sadness all well up in my heart at the same time. It was when I was taking it all in that a neighbor came over. She was younger than my grandma. But she said that she remembered when I used to come over and play with her daughter. She stared at me and talked in Korean. I simply looked into her eyes. My sister translated and the woman said, "You don't speak Korean! What a shame! You're an American now?" She expressed disappointment and disbelief that I couldn't speak the language but delight in seeing me again after these many years. But I found it hard to believe that on that rainy and foggy day, I was standing on the little road that I had so often run up and down on, playing in the summer time. It was surreal to think that now my husband and children were walking on that very same road. I never would have dreamed that this would be possible.
So, I look back and reflect. So much happened. I will need to take the time to really recapture those moments and share them here. But I have been so busy with school and life. But I don't want to forget. And perhaps it took this long for me to start organizing those experiences in my mind. Not until now, did I realize how emotionally demanding it is to process so much.
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