This Uncertain Journey

This Uncertain Journey

I'm normally never without words. Today, I am without words.

But I am flooded with emotions, most of which I cannot contain or put words to. I haven't been here before and this is new to me, strange to me and a bit odd to me. This journey of reconnecting with my mom is such a blessing. Yet, there are times I am uncertain as to what I am feeling and what all of this means.

The Package

I got a call from the express mail people asking for a "kale". I told them that there was no one named "kale" here. But they wanted to verify they had the right number. They said they had a package from Korea for "kale." I told them that it was from my mom and that she was probably trying to sound my name out. The "g" and "k" can sound very similar in Korea. They said that they would come to the house at 10:30 a.m.

Right at 10:30 am the doorbell rang. The mail man was there with a box almost three feet tall and two feet wide. Korean writing was all over the box. I can recognize letters but cannot read the words. But the top says "keil" along with some Korean writing. The mailman and I had a little conversation about the mix up because there wasn't a house number on the package. He seemed curious about this package too and how I was connected to Korea. He offered to bring the box in but I told him that I was OK and I brought the package inside.

I had mixed feelings. Part of me was eager to open the package. The other part of me didn't know if I could do it without falling apart. Why such mixed emotions? What was I so emotional about this whole thing anyway? I heard the dryer buzz downstairs and I nearly set everything down to go get the clothes out. I was almost glad for a simple distraction so that I could wait to open the box. But I forced myself to cut that packaging tape and open the box.

Pictures

On top was an envelope containing a letter and some pictures. I was a little disappointed that the letter was in Korean. I quickly thought about a couple of people who might be able to translate the letter for me. Then I sifted through the pictures. I assumed some of them were of my mom's step-daughters. Two of them looked like they were of my brother when he was about two. He looked so little. One was of him crying. Another couple of pictures looked like my grandparents. Memories came flooding back of my summers spent at their house. My mom told me that my grandfather had passed away. My grandmother had aged quite a bit. But I was wondering if I would make it there in time to see her. I want so much to see her. Others were pictures of my mom with friends. She looked happy, smiling with those red lips. I couldn't decide whether or not we really looked alike. But her face was becoming familiar to me again. I recognized her same big smile and the same sparkle in her eyes. In some of the pictures, she looks really young, but always beautiful.

The Seaweed

My mom let me know in her last e-mail that she was sending seaweed. I expected a small package. We have enough seaweed for a long time and we will be sharing it with many people. She sent ten boxes with ten packages in each box. But I thought of her shopping at the grocery store, asking for this huge amount of seaweed (even for a Korean!). She had wrapped some of them in green gift wrap with gold flowers. I imagined her wrapping some of the boxes with her own hands. I thought of how she had carefully wrapped these packages and now I was unwrapping them. It made me cry thinking that she and I were handling the same boxes. I can buy seaweed here and actually just had some on Saturday. But I had to. I took out a package, cut it open and ate the seaweed. It was just so different eating it knowing my mom had sent it all the way from Korea. I sat there crying and eating. I felt so strange. I didn't know what was happening to me.

The Letter

I scanned the letter and sent it to be translated. It was the waiting game again. I wondered why she hadn't asked her friend to translate it before she sent it. I figured she wanted it to be between me and her. Perhaps she wouldn't have said all that she wanted to say if her friend was translating it right there. Either way, I am waiting to hear what that letter says.

Unexpected Emotions

I have been crying, talking some and trying to process all that I'm feeling. It's strange. I can't quite describe it. Is is joy? Is it sadness? Is is just feeling as if two different worlds have collided? I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a student and now, my role as a daughter is coming to the forefront. I don't know what it feels like to really think of myself a daughter. Maybe that's why it's so strange. My own non-existent relationship with my adoptive mom has made me forget what it's like to be a daughter. Now here I am, as a grown woman, learning how to be a daughter all over again.