Lessons From Marriage

Jason and I will have been married nine years tomorrow! I realize that I'm not a relationship expert, but after being married some time, you learn a thing or two. Here's a few things that I've learned about marriage. A Top Nine List (for nine years of marriage!)

1. Complement one another, not complete. The movie world has introduced some mythical, romantic ideas that don't stand up to the real world. And that whole line "you complete me" is one of them. When people enter into a relationship expecting the other person to complete them, they are usually let down by their unrealistic expectations. It's more about complementing one another with their strengths and weaknesses. And from my point of view, we have been made to be completed by God.
2. Don't try to change the other person. Differences can be appreciated. I think one of the biggest hurdles couples face is that we have a tendency to want to change the other one to suit our preferences. And once I realized that Jason and I are different and when it comes down to it, some things aren't changeable. Personality traits for instance. While we've had tremendous influence on each other's lives, we haven't succeeded in changing one another's core personality traits. Jason still has organized underwear and sock drawers. I am still talking nonstop.
3. Be each other's biggest cheerleader. We don't always like the same things, but we try and encourage each other in what we're really into. I don't understand numbers, money or banking. But this is Jason's world and I ask questions to get a better understanding and really try and get a sense of what it is that he does. He doesn't understand how I can talk for three hours on the phone about nothing, but he sends me away with sisters or girlfriends because he knows it's good for me (and him).
4. Find time for leisure. By far, this has been one of our biggest challenges. We have tried and struggled to have more balance in our lives. It's one we need improvement in.
5. Find time as a couple. Another area of struggle for us. We realize the importance of going on dates, but we don't always get away. And that's the point of number 4 and 5, couples have strengths and areas of improvement on an ever-changing basis.
6. Don't discuss important things when one or both of you are tired or hungry. I say that when people are tired or hungry, they resort to acting like infants. They get cranky! I look back and find that our fights would have been prevented if we would have waited to discuss weighty topics when we were rested and full!
7. Fight fair. I've counseled many couples for premarital counseling. I've learned that fighting is normal. Some couples don't fight and see an absence of conflict as an indicator of health. It's not. Two individuals will agree to disagree. But neither is fighting all of the time about everything or nothing, healthy. I encourage people to see "fighting" as an opportunity to gain a better understanding of each other. And no name calling, tearing one another down etc.
8. Laugh together. Jason makes me laugh. I know that a sense of humor really cushions the bumps and enhances life in general.
9. Lastly, I am a firm believer that God at the center is the key to ultimate stability in life whether you're married or not. We both live our life for God and He ultimately gives us the guidance that we need.