I didn't question my birth mom's decision about giving us for adoption. I really just accepted that it really was the best thing for all of us.
But now as a mother, everything has changed. I don't view her as a child looking at a mother. I am asking questions as a mother myself. I can't wrap my brain around her decision. I don't understand what I'm feeling now that she is in my life. I don't know where this will lead. I feel emotions that I have never felt towards her. And I don't know how this will unfold. Part of me wants to close the door and never return. The other part of me wonders if anything good will come out of this.
I can't imagine and I can't grasp the "how." I try to imagine what was going on in her mind, her heart and her life. What it must have been like to face that decision.
How did she give us up--when we were already 8, 6 and 3? The pain of separating from my own boys would tear me up.
How did she sleep? Did she have dreams about us? Did she wake up looking for us after we were gone? When does that kind of pain end?
How did she not tear her heart out right then and there? What was her situation? And how come she couldn't count on family to help?
How did she find the strength to go on?
Was she relieved?
What does that letter hold? What will she say? Will she answer any of these questions?
The thought of losing my own children is unimaginable to me. I am no longer a child being separated from her mother. I am now a mother, and I can't understand how a mother ever separates from her children. Yet, I am a child wanting to know, how did you let us go?
1 comment:
(I promised you I'd re-read these blog entries about your mom and comment on them as I had originally intended . . . )
When I first read this entry of yours, I remember feeling really sad and hurt for you--it is so honest and raw. It is actually a lot of the things I wondered FOR you through the years. You might have just "accepted" that your mother had given you up, but often as I interacted and had experiences with my mom, I'd think of how unfair it was that you (and your siblings) didn't have your mothers. And I'd wonder how and why your mom didn't/couldn't keep you, what her story was, and if she'd ever thought about you or missed you. And knowing you and having you in my life, I'd feel sorry that she didn't know you and have you in her life like I did. TW
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