I Never Thought

I've really been thinking a lot about my Korean mom these days. I think about her life and how much it has been changed (as she relates in her letter) since we have been reconnected.

I never thought about what it was like for her. Only from a selfish standpoint, did I think about my mom. But now as I correspond with her through letters, it has become so clear that she really needed this connection. It really was an answer to her prayer. She needed the healing and the reassurance. She needed to hear from one of us to know that we were ok. How could a mother forget her three children? For years she carried the pain of knowing that she could not, even though she wanted to, provide for us. So she carried this deep sadness around with her. I am so glad that she is being freed of that.

I did not know that she carried such guilt and anguish. She remembers working at a restaurant all day and we were left alone because no one could care for us. And we went to bed hungry and we were sleeping by the time she got home. I remember being hungry and sometimes lonely. But we really did take care of each other. I have these memories, but they don't haunt me. But they do make me grateful to have ample food each day and no worries of going hungry.

I also realized that my mom is changing now and her letter was a bright ray of hope. She is full of this renewed life. She has indeed become born-again--in the most profound sense. Reading her letter made me cry but then made me so full of gratefulness. I am so grateful, amazed and in awe of what God is doing in my mom. It is quite astounding.

An excerpt from my mom's letter.

"I am taking care of my health more and changing my lifestyle healthier now. I thought I would just live whatever and however and if God wants me dead I will die, but now everything looks so fresh and new and I feel like I was born again. People around me say that I look happier too. I think it’s because of God’s grace."


Now, as a mom, I place myself in her shoes. I feel what she must have felt to have her husband die and be left with three kids. I feel the anguish that she must have felt as she said goodbye to her three kids, not knowing where we would end up. She says in her letter that she did not have the strength to even think about looking for us. I feel how incredibly painful it would have been to be grieving for so long. If I had to give up my kids, the grief would swallow me up. So for these 25 years she lived with that anguish and she is finally being freed to know that she did the right thing, even though it was probably the most difficult thing that she has done.

I never thought of how incredible it was for my mom to give us up and deal with the pain by herself. While we adjusted to our new family life, she stayed behind grieving. I have new respect for my mom, who was willing to make that sacrifice. It gives me unbelievable joy to be able to give her the peace of mind that she has so long prayed for. Thank you God.

Now I wish for my mom joy. She deserves it. She has sowed many years in tears and I pray that she will reap joy. I am so glad to be in a place where I can be a part of her new happiness.